Independence vs. Etiquette ... Do We Have to Choose?

I never knew how much I took for granted until Ryan came along. And I'm not referring to pre-motherhood luxuries like going to the bathroom alone, sleeping past 6:00am and hot coffee. I'm thinking about the endless list of things that challenge a person with dwarfism. The hurdles are everywhere. They are the stairs at school, the shelving at the grocery store, public toilets (ugh), light switches at home, the bank teller's counter, and on and on. The world is not made for a person with dwarfism.

And, unless you know a little person it may be hard to understand the difficulty. Unlike those are that simply short, little people have arms and legs that are extremely limited in length. Ryan has surprised many when the boost from a stool doesn't help him reach. But regardless of the difficulty, Ryan always finds a way. His determination and will make me so proud. What a strong and independent boy! I was proud of us both ... until a recent conversation I had with his school.

As Ryan has grown up into a little boy, I have been eager to give him the tools and mindset to find his independence. Together, we made the giant world something that he could reach. I figured it a job well done when Ryan managed to reach something on the table, shelf or counter. I have stood by his side proudly witnessing him climb, tap, shake, roll, push ... you name it - until he succeeded in reaching some place or thing. These behaviors seemed normal and even good as I watched Ryan do things on his own. Until my eyes were opened during my conversation with his school. There is a HUGE gray area when it comes to Ryan's independence and proper social etiquette. Many methods Ryan has come to utilize in using and reaching things, are quite odd and even rude in some cases. Have I been blind to this all along? Did I encourage Ryan develop inappropriate social behaviors? Unfortunately, the answer is yes. But do we have to choose him having either his manners or his independence? I sure hope not.

As a mother, my job is to encourage and ensure that my child is able to manage life independently. But when that child has dwarfism, he is going to adapt and manage in ways that aren't typical for most. When he was a baby, this was evident in his "army crawl" vs the typical crawl on all fours. For Ryan, the army crawl was a giant success! He found a way to move! But as he aged, his adaptations morphed into behaviors that aren't typical - or encouraged at all.  But when I take away the fact that he is a little person, when my blinders come off, I see it clearly. Leaning your entire torso onto the dining room table to reach your beverage is not ok. I imagine myself doing the same thing at a restaurant and I see just how odd and appalling this act can be. It's time that I remove my "mommy goggles" and start seeing Ryan how the rest of the world would. This is when I realize that adapting is not a hall pass for poor etiquette. But do I have to choose manners over independence?

What a juggling act this will be - Ryan needs his independence. He deserves it like everyone else. But he also deserves to be respected and admired. And the guy that lays across a table to reach the salt, isn't likely to get invited to many dinner parties :(

Ryan and I have a new task as he concludes his Kindergarten year. We are going to find ways to manage hurdles with strength, pride and consideration for those around us.  First, Ryan and I will locate needed tools that enable him to act without assistance so that he may maximize every opportunity to do things on his own. And next I need to accept that his asking for help doesn't have to equate to a failure for independence. Obtaining needed help is a powerful act of self-awareness and confidence. But most importantly, Ryan will never apologize for doing things differently. Being different does not equate to poor manners. But it also isn't a reason to do as we please. I believe this. And I think Ryan can too.